I got a rejection letter yesterday. It was from a prestigious law firm that I applied to a few weeks ago. The letter was all of two lines and addressed me as “Mr.” For a split second I was sad about it (and slightly angry at my parents for giving me a unisex name), but then I felt a huge wave of relief. It’s no secret that I have no desire to be a lawyer. I’m just happy that I graduated from law school. Everything inside of me knows that the legal profession is not where I’m called to be, but I still find myself taking steps toward it. I’m not sure if it’s pressure from family and friends or pressure I put on myself (probably both), but I feel obligated to follow through with it sometimes. And each and every time I try to follow through, it doesn’t feel right and ultimately something stops me. How long is it going to take me to realize that I’m swimming in the wrong direction?
I have big dreams for this blog and for my writing. So big and exciting, in fact, that I find myself ignoring them. I’ve even been ignoring the blog because, when I sit down to write, those dreams taunt me. I know that I could be doing so much more, but I’m afraid. Those dreams are too scary, too risky, too expensive, the list goes on. But what if those dreams were planted in me by God? (they were.) What if He already has a plan mapped out? (He does.) What exactly am I waiting for?
Over the next few months, I’m really challenging myself to step out on faith, dive into deeper waters than I’ve ever been in, and trust that God (and my sweet husband) will help me figure this out. I’m also challenging myself to be diligent and to work hard. My brain has been out of “school mode” for almost a year now and I’ve found that it’s difficult for me to set goals and work towards them for myself. I’m so used to answering to professors and working hard for grades and a degree. Now it’s time to answer to, and work hard for, myself.
The thing about being a writer (or a painter, designer, etc.), is that when you first start out, there’s no one there giving you assignments or offering you payment for services they haven’t yet seen. It’s just you and your computer (or pencils or paint or sewing machine). You have to show up everyday and wait for the inspiration to strike, for the words to come, and for something to take shape. You have to start and restart, type and erase, try and try again. It’s a process without a definite end result. It’s hard and beautiful and honest and crazy. And it’s important. It’s important for me and it’s important for the people who will one day read my words.
So I’ve made up my mind: I’m diving all the way into these dreams and I’m not turning around no matter how frightening they may be. I’m excited to look back on this post a year, three years and five years down the road. I know that I will have grown as a woman and in my faith. I know that I will be writing for so many more women and that this space will have become a community. And I know that I will be more than happy with my decision.
Thank you in advance for taking this journey with me!